Superb but overlooked games that you must play or I will eat you


Bucky O'Hare
Is that a giant, man-crushing boulder, or are you just happy to see me?

You are a green hare and you are captain of your spaceship, the Righteous Indignation, and it's your sworn duty to stop the evil Toad Armada. The toads have raided your ship and kidnapped your crew. You must travel from planet to planet, rescuing them all one by one, gaining their playability upon savior. Afterwards, you gotta take on the Toad Mothership - from the inside out.


Your crew consists of Blinky, the robot with a jetpack who has a single eye for a face. Jenny, the mysterious cat who can shoot magical psy-orbs from her tiara. Dead-Eye, a four-armed duck with a spread-gun who has a knack for climbing things. And Willy DuWitt, the nerdy human in a monkey suit with a gun that can blow a toad into space goo with a single shot. Clearly a team of champions.

The graphics are pretty keen as you can probably see. All my life I thought the purple guy up above in the orange robo-slacks was holding a gigantonormous orange above his head. An orange capable of being hollowed out and used as a home a la James and the Giant Peach.

'Tis a platformer, and in my opinion, one of the absolute best the NES has to offer. And it's made by Konami, so that's saying something right there. Think Megaman, but faster paced, and with more variety in the levels. Like on the Blue Planet, one moment you're riding giant mechanical snakes, the next you're on a runaway ice burg, dodging bombs being dropped by helicopters with toad faces. So do yourself a favor, and become the green-whiskered savior. (lol see wut i did thar)




Punch the crap out of everything. That's pretty much the basis of this game. Guns? Who needs 'em. Only wussy men who are too wussy to take on their challenges like a real non-wussy man. Could the Contra Man kill an alien just by punching it? No way. He would go flying backwards about fifteen feet then disappear from existence upon impact. Bionic arms or not, this man could beat you into next year without breaking a sweat. Not even his arms would sweat... because they're bionic. Well they might sweat oil. But that would be weird.

How about a big fancy space suit with helmet? Or maybe just a regular suit of armor? Not this guy. He runs out there in a jacket and a pair of blue jeans. He even has a kickin' pair of shades. The only thing maybe badder than this guy would be the Bad Dudes. And really, those guys are pretty bad. Just ask Ronald Regan.

By punching boxes sitting around on the floor, you can get these little letter pieces that kinda look like Bs and Ls. They're fancy Bs and Ls because they're adding class to the game. Uncle Morton would say "Using your fisticuffs to slay alien foes? Why I have never seen something so preposterous in all my life! I have half a mind to throw this game out the window. Oh my, look at how fancy those Bs and Ls are. Now this is a game I approve!"

Oh, sorry, no hard feelings, but mama said knock you out. Get well soon! I'll send you a card in the mail.

But anyway, those cursive caviar letters can be combined to make a little robot helper man float along with you. Depending on how you combine them, little Robo-Helper gets a special ability. Whether it be a laser gun, ricocheting bouncy orbs, or just a plain ol' sword, these little guys devote their life to aiding you in your cause. But take enough damage and they go poof. Poor little guys. They have a heart of gold. Or metal. Whatever it is that makes them function.

So anyway, if you enjoy punching things profusely, this is a game to let your unmanaged anger flow.



Shadow of the Ninja

"Oh Jesus it's wet out. You couldn't have picked a better day to go ninja-ing. Like Sunday. It would be at least cloudy then." "SHUT UP AND FIND A TARP"

Another game starting with the letters "S" and "H" and also made by the same company as above. Coincidence? I think NOT. Okay, I don't really know what that means, but this game is pretty sweet, mang. But you say to me: "Hey website person, why not just play Ninja Gaiden they are great and I love them and they are the best ninja games ever and if you do not agree I hate you forever and I wish you to be on my dining room table for my 6:00 meal." Well yes, I agree they are fantastic, however incredibly annoying and frustrating games. Nothing like getting blasted off a cliff by a hawk with the power of fourteen gods. This plays pretty much the same. Except with less birdness.

But what sets it apart is something whimsical - two player co-op. Race through the, what, five super-dee-duper levels with your friend with your choice to be either Red Ninja or Lavender Ninja. Use sword power, grappling hook power, throwing star power, all that freaky ninja crap. When times get tough, even summon lightning with your sword that destroys all enemies onscreen (with the sacrifice of half your health). Hey, with several thousand volts of electricity surging through your body, you're lucky you're not dead. With this kind of resistance, maybe these guys can take on Shatterhand himself? Steel arms versus steel blades? An epic battle of epic proportions? But anyway, it's a solid game. The way of the ninja is true, and one with a friend is forever. Yeah, sensei I am not.




You are a lone blue-shirted tennis player. You return home from a long day's practice to see your family is gone. A letter lays on the kitchen table, a challenge. Defeat the five masters of tennis one match at a time, and your family shall return to you. The signature? Mario. You can't let this happen. You accept the challenge and travel to the royal Mushroom Kingdom tennis court. It's on.

You dare lunge at me with your racket? I'll have you know I was trained by Rambo in the art of tennis jousting.

The game is incredibly realistic; the balls, and the rackets, and the bouncing and all that. But the best thing is your opponent's reactions to things. He holds himself in pain and wobbles back and forth upon spiking of the ball directly into his crotch. Anger even ensues, as your opponent runs towards the net with his racket in the air, pickin' a fight. You could just stand there and laugh at his frustration. Or you could intimidate him. You start swinging your racket around like a madman and run right back at him. Show him you mean business. In the mean time, Mario sits upon his courtside throne, watching, waiting.

The challengers grow tougher and tougher each match - each more skilled and faster than the last. They seem to be taking lessons from Speedy Gonzales. Oh Speedy, your Mexican ways never cease to impress. The final match consists of a netless, free-range, tennis match/fight to the death with Mario. Sweat beads down your face as your quest for victory is but one step away from completion. Fail this, and your family gets a one-way trip to the moon. Luckily, since it's the moon, your family will have a plentiful supply of cheese to survive on. But one cannot live on cheese alone. I'm sure they can cope, though. Living in a little cheese hut sounds good and well in the beginning. But cheese rots. Cheese rots. So good luck!

Oh, and the tennis ball is on fire.

I wanna go Home!